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Seaton: New Year, Dumb Ideas

Happy New Year, everyone! I thought it would be fun this week to share a couple of ideas I’ve been playing with for a while to amuse yourself at the expense of your friends and family. I make no claim of these ideas being mine—it’s just stuff I’ve been kicking around lately. As I’m not Claudine Gay, I’ll citie at least the people from whom I remember getting some of these ideas.

First, from Harry Anderson: Get a deck of cards. Tell your sucker the two of you are going to play poker with ten cards, but since it’s going to be a really easy game for them to win, you get to pick the cards the two of you will play with.

You’re going to remove three sets of three of a kind (e.g. three kings, aces, and fives). The tenth card is going to be any card that isn’t the value of the other nine cards. So in our example here you’re playing with three kings, three aces, three fives and the Queen of Spades.

Whoever gets the Queen of Spades is going to lose every time. You have to be nice about this—Harry was every time he pulled this little stunt—and smile when you take your sucker for a nice ride or three. Don’t sweat it if you decide to deal blind and end up with the Queen.

It’s in that moment when you tell the mark for shits and giggles you’re going to play a hand where the Queens are wild. You’ll win, of course. If you decide to do this for money, then run immediately after this bit of business.

Our next idea is from Penn Jillette, and it’s one I’ve wanted to pull on someone for a while:

When you go to a diner next with a friend, snag one of those plastic tubs of coffee creamer and conceal it in your off hand. Cup the creamer in your hand by putting your thumb and forefinger around the base of the tub. Make sure the pull tab covering the creamer is facing the palm of your hand.

Once you’ve done this, take a fork in your other hand. In one smooth motion, put the creamer to one eye and puncture the tub of creamer with the fork. Do this right and it will look like you’ve just stabbed your eye with a fork.

This will probably make a mess and cause a scene, so tip your waitress well if you do this!

This last one came from Brian Brushwood. You’re going to need three stick matches, a gullible idiot, and drinks for both of you.

Place two matches, strike tips facing up, in your mark’s hand between their thumb and forefinger. Place a third match on top of these two, its strike tip meeting with one of the other two. Bet your sucker you can’t karate chop the match laying on top of the other two in half and promise them a drink if you fail.

The thing is, you’re not going to fail. Stick matches are pretty easy to chop through with even one finger like this. What it’s going to do is ignite a match head and fuse one to your sucker’s skin as it burns for a second. It’s going to hurt like hell, so make sure you have that drink on hand anyway to ease their pain.

There you go, folks. If you try any of these, especially the last one, you never heard about it from me.

We’ll see you next week, everybody!

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