Seaton: Sheriff Roy And The Anal Probe

Sheriff Roy Templeton noticed two things on arriving at the scene of the incident.

The first was that Farmer Jesse Burkitt’s prize Holstein was very dead.

The second was the cow apparently met its demise when something (it had to be a something, Sheriff Roy thought) sucked its innards out through its rectal area.

“Deputy Miranda, what do we have here?” Sheriff Roy asked his second in command.

“Well, Sheriff, if you believe Farmer Burkitt, Bessie here died of an extraterrestrial sphincter inspection.”

“Do what now?”

“He swears the cow got an anal probe from aliens.”

Sheriff Roy’s eyes widened. He spat into the dirt near Bessie’s corpse. “So Burkitt thinks his cow got violated by aliens? How did he come to that revelation?”

“You’re going to want to ask him yourself.”

“Didn’t you already question him, Deputy Miranda?”

“Yessir I did, and that doesn’t change my mind. You definitely need to ask him yourself because there’s no way you’d believe it coming from me.”

“Let’s go check in with Farmer Burkitt then.”

Farmer Burkitt was sitting at the kitchen table in his run-down farmhouse. His hands were shaking as he lifted a cracked mug of coffee to his lips.

“I swear. Bessie’s got to be in a better place now because what happened to her should be a crime no matter what planet you’re on.”

“Can you walk me through what happened one more time, Mr. Burkitt?” Sheriff Roy asked.

“Well, about two weeks ago, I started noticing all these strange lights in the sky around the farm at night. Then I was out after sundown one night driving from the Grassy Knoll to the house and I lost track of time. I saw those lights on the road and the next thing I know, I woke up on the mothership of them damn aliens, Sheriff!”

“You don’t say.”

“Yessir. I know it’s crazy to hear tell of it but I’m serious. They were little men with big eyes black as coals. They had grey skin and no hair. I couldn’t understand a damn word they said but they waved some kind of device over me and then I blacked out again. Next thing I know I’m back in bed in my house. My car’s in the driveway so I must’ve made it home fine but boy did my ass hurt! I thought it was bad gas but when I ascended the porcelain throne I ended up shitting neon orange!”

Sheriff Roy nodded for Farmer Burkitt to continue, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear anything else.

“Well the next day, I got into a fart lighting contest with Big Ed Cocke after we’d been drinking and don’t you know I got a three foot jet of flame to come out of my ass? I think that’s gotta be a world record or something and I could’ve never done that if the aliens hadn’t violated my back end, Sheriff.”

“You’re telling us as your official story,” Sheriff Roy said slowly, “that aliens anally probed you and your cow.”

“Well isn’t that obvious, Sheriff? Next night those gray men get me again and they’re showing me Bessie in these little things that look like televisions on their ship. I tried to tell them Bessie wasn’t interested in that sort of thing but they weren’t interested at all in listening. The next night I saw the aliens’ lights over Bessie’s enclosure and then tonight…”

Farmer Burkitt trailed off. He began to sob quietly.

“And then tonight she’s…she’s been violated by the aliens and their obsession with anal probes, Sheriff. Violated until she let loose the mortal coil. There’s no other explanation as to why she ended up like this.” With that, Farmer Burkitt took another sip of coffee, tears streaming down his face.

“You have to help me, Sheriff. I swear this is the work of aliens, but no one will believe me. I’m not crazy. I swear that’s what happened!”

“Let’s say I believe you for the moment. Can you tell me any reason why Bessie looked like she had her insides pulled through her…backside…and then deposited outside her body?”

“No idea, Sheriff. Could be some newfangled alien technology no one really understands. My best guess is the anal probe they did had some sort of vacuum technology on it and when the instrument left Bessie’s body…whoosh. There went her insides along with everything else.”

“To your knowledge, Farmer Burkitt, did the anal probe bear markings that read “Dyson” or “Hoover?” Deputy Miranda asked with a smirk.

Sheriff Roy shot Deputy Miranda a look, then turned back to Farmer Burkitt.

“Don’t mind Deputy Miranda, he’s just having a laugh. Is there anything else you think would be good to tell us at this time?”

“I think the aliens like Taylor Swift.”

Sheriff Roy did the closest thing to a spit take Mud Lick’s top cop ever managed.

“And how did you come to that?”

“Because two of the gray men were arguing over whether or not Travis Kelce will propose to Taylor Swift after the Chiefs win the Super Bowl so them liberals get a mega-celebrity endorsement for Joe Biden come election time.”

Sheriff Roy and Deputy Miranda looked at each other and then turned back to Farmer Burkitt.

“Well, Mr. Burkitt, we’re going to do what we can to help you bring Bessie’s…aliens…to justice. If you think of anything else relevant to this matter you call me directly at the station, okay? And get yourself some sleep. I know it’s going to be a rough night but you will be alright.”

Sheriff Roy shook Farmer Burkitt’s hand and all three men stood. Farmer Burkitt took a card from Sheriff Roy and promised to call the lawman directly if anything else came to mind.

When Sheriff Roy and Deputy Miranda were finally out of earshot Miranda asked “What do you think actually happened, boss?”

“I’m not sure, Deputy Miranda. What I know at this point is very limited but fairly certain. First, Farmer Burkitt’s been hitting the sauce too much and he orders sex toys from Adam & Eve online when he’s had one too many. Second is that he’s watched ‘Independence Day’ too many times. And the third is that his alleged ‘aliens’ are somehow Republicans.”

“That all tracks, but what pulled the cow’s insides out?”

“I don’t know, Deputy. I don’t know.”

Sheriff Roy smiled as he said this, which both terrified and piqued Deputy Ernesto Miranda’s interest. It was the look Sheriff Roy got once in a blue moon.

It meant for once, there was an honest to goodness mystery in Mud Lick that needed solving.


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