Friends, we gather here on this blessed December day to send the year 2023 off into the sunset. It’s been an interesting year, and one with a lot to cover in what’s arguably the biggest post I do here all year So let’s get to the jokes, shall we?
Speed is the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of 2023. Specifically, the speed at which this year seemed to transpire and the speed at which the world seemed to catch on fire. Paying attention to this year, one could liken it to two grumpy puppies fighting in a dog crate. At one moment they’re sleeping, then they’re fighting and snarling at each other like mortal enemies. The difference between 2023 and two angry puppies, however, is the puppies eventually get bored and go back to sleep.
Let’s set the wayback machine to
JANUARY, when House Republicans decide to start the year off with a bout of fighting unlike any seen in Congressional history as it takes fifteen votes to elect Kevin McCarthy Speaker of the House. McCarthy wins the seat by promising members of the Freedom Caucus delicious sandwiches every Tuesday and offering Matt Gaetz the ability to give him a swirly twice a week and call him a “dum-dum doodyface” as he sees fit.
The Georgia Bulldogs win a second straight National Championship by trouncing the TCU Horned Frogs 65-7. The fifty-eight point win is the most lopsided in NCAA championship in history. Georgia fans celebrate by barking at restaurant waitresses and pretending to pee on parked cars. Seriously, they do that stuff.
Beloved TV sitcom “Night Court” gets a reboot. It’s spearheaded by Melissa Rauch, who’s best known for playing Bernadette on “The Big Bang Theory.” The sole returning cast member is John Larroquette, who apparently really needed the money and screen time more than his dignity.
FEBRUARY sees Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks the NFL’s ever seen, finally announce his retirement for good. Everyone thinks he’s lying until Brady says “No backsies, guys, I really mean it.” Even then no one’s sure.
A train carrying toxic chemicals derails in East Palestine, Ohio. The wreck is catastrophic to local plants and animals and sends residents in the area into fits of severe illness. Not one to beat around the bush, the US Government says to those affected “Quit being babies, it’s just a little toxic chloride gas and we’ll send President Biden around six weeks from never after all this clears up and you’ll forget about it.”
It would later be revealed this wasn’t the Palestine everyone was supposed to care about this year. (That’s what they call “foreshadowing,” folks!)
Former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley announces she plans to run for President, challenging Donald J. Trump for the Republican nomination. Everyone immediately asks “Who told her this was a good idea?” Haley decides to run on a #Girlboss platform, which gets laughed at every time she tells Americans it’s going to take someone who can wear heels to fix this country.
After all, it’s 2023. Anyone can wear heels if zhe chooses. Haley’s such a bigot.
President Joe Biden makes a surprise visit to Ukraine, where he tells President Zelensky he’ll keep funding Ukraine’s attempts to keep Russia at bay until the pictures of Joe at a Tijuana donkey show are returned to the Presidential archives. When you think about it, that’s really the only logical explanation for why we’ve given Ukraine that much money.*
To close out the month, FBI Director Christopher Wray tells the public all signs point to COVID-19 originating from a lab leak in Wuhan, China. He further adds this has nothing to do with anything related to Hunter Biden.
MARCH sees TikTok introduce a daily 60 minute screen time limit for users, citing growing concerns about harmful and addictive algorithms on the platform. In Congress, the CEO of TikTok is grilled for hours over whether the app is really a secret Chinese Communist Spy Tool. Shou Zi Chew, TikTok’s CEO, asks Congress whether they should be more concerned about artificial intelligence. No one listens because they’re all having fun calling Mr. Chew a dumbass.
In animal news, the Houston Zoo announces their oldest resident, a 90-year-old tortoise named Mr. Pickles, is now a father to three wonderful baby tortoises thanks to his 53-year-old wife, Mrs. Pickles. The three babies—Dill, Gherkin and Jalapeno—are hailed the world over as proof it’s never too late to find love.
A female who identifies as a transgender male goes on a shooting spree at a private Christian school in Nashville, Tennessee. The identity of the shooter, possible motives and more are almost immediately forgotten when three glory seeking Tennessee elected representatives seize the floor of the State House in an impromptu protest about gun violence.
Finally, Alvin Bragg announces an indictment of former president Donald Trump on charges of falsifying business records to conceal hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels. The charges are bullshit and everyone knows it. Bragg defends the indictment by saying “if Capone can be gotten on tax evasion…okay I know it’s all bullshit but I’m working with what I’ve got here!”
Trumps approval ratings spike with news of the indictment. This will not be the last time this happens.
APRIL begins with former President Trump pleading not guilty to the New York case. “I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it and you can’t prove anything other than Stormy Daniels is a lying whore. Really, she’s the biggest lying whore of them all, that’s what they tell me.” our 45th president tells a judge.
Okay I’m making that up. Maybe. You have to admit it’s a pretty convincing impression.
The Dalai Lama apologizes for a video purportedly showing him asking a young boy to suck his tongue, making the Tibetan holy man the latest person to fall victim to cancellation. No one bothered to ask why the boy’s parents were making a video instead of stopping the creepy act in the first place.
New York City appoints Kathleen Corradi “rat czar,” marking the first time in history a New York politician got a political office worse than dog catcher and actually liked it.
And to close out the month, Tucker Carlson is fired from Fox News. The network will come to regret this as Carlson’s broadcasts on Twitter outperform anything they put on TV.
MAY starts with the Writers Guild of America electing to strike over pay and industry changes. Streaming services like Netflix sweat this for approximately ten seconds before piping Norwegian crime dramas and Vietnamese baking shows to American audiences.
The World Health Organization declares COVID-19 over as a global health emergency. This is about two years later than everyone else on the planet, but you have to give them points for being persistent.
England crowns King Charles III and Queen Consort Camilla at Westminster Abbey. Charles is the first monarch crowned in the UK in 70 years. His subjects celebrate the occasion with many toasts of “God Save the King” before going back to work the following Monday.
Disney premieres a live action version of “The Little Mermaid” starring Halle Bailey and Melissa McCarthy. It is spectacularly bad, bombing at the box office. This will not be the last film the Mouse House releases to suffer such a fate this year.
Martha Stewart makes history as the oldest cover model for Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. The 81-year-old is a substantially better choice than the previously suggested cover models—Megan Rapinoe, Caitlyn Jenner and Roxane Gay.
Climate scientists warn the planet is 66% likely to pass the warming threshold of 1.5° C between now and 2027. In other news, this is called summer.
Harrison Ford is presented with a Palme d’Or lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival as the final “Indiana Jones” film premieres there. The film, “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny,” will proceed to flop badly at the box office, grossing lower than any other Indiana Jones installment. Executives at Disney continue to scratch their heads, wondering why recycling every good idea of the last thirty years with an increasingly diverse casts doesn’t sit well with average moviegoers.
Finally, as the leaders of the G7 meet in Hiroshima to condemn acts of “Chinese economic coercion,” Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky makes a surprise appearance to ask US President Joe Biden for more money. Biden, adopting a fatherly grin, tells Zelensky “You didn’t say the magic word!” Zelensky then rolled his eyes and said “Putin” before Biden cut another $100 billion check.
At the beginning of JUNE Congress passes a deal to raise the debt ceiling by $31.4 trillion dollars. Everyone is happy with the deal brokered by President Biden and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. Except, of course, for Matt Gaetz, who promptly exercises his ability to call Speaker McCarthy a “dumb dumb doodyhead.”
Mike Pence (who may be a demon from the ninth circle of hell) and Chris Christie (who is fat) join Florida governor Ron DeSantis (who has no personality) and President Donald Trump (who is an idiot) as primary contenders for the Republican Presidential nomination, continuing the GOPs time-honored tradition of putting as many stinkers up for election as possible.
Prosecutors file a 37 count indictment against President Donald Trump alleging, among other things. unlawful retention of classified defense information, improper retention of classified documents and obstruction of justice. Trump’s approval ratings spike again.
A report from a UK Government committee finds former Prime Minister Boris Johnson misled Parliament over breaches of the country’s COVID-19 quarantine measures during what is termed “Partygate.” Boris resigns from Parliament, claiming it wasn’t a big deal, everyone else was doing it and the complainers are just mad they didn’t think to do it sooner.
Social Media influencer Andrew Tate is indicted in Romania on charges of human trafficking and forming a gang to abuse women. Tate claims innocence and proceeds to wipe his “Pimping Hoes Degree” course sold for $999.95 from his website. “I never pimped women, I just made them websites where they played guitar and produced cooking videos for people. The fact they were naked while on camera and locked in rooms for hours on end had nothing to do with anything,” Tate later tells Tucker Carlson during an interview.
A search and rescue operation for the Titan submarine—which had been exploring the wreckage of the Titanic—ends when the Navy tells everyone that loud bang heard in the water prompting the search was actually the submarine imploding. When asked why this information wasn’t made public immediately, the Navy says “No one asked us!”
The eyes of the world return to Ukraine when the Wagner Mercenary Group, led by Yevgeny Prigozhin, rebel against Valdmire Putin and march towards Moscow. A deal brokered by Aleksander Lukashenko sends the Wagner Group to Belarus instead, quashing the rebellion. Prigozhin dies in a mysterious plane crash shortly thereafter that everyone paying attention totally saw coming.
President Biden’s attempt to forgive debts for 40 million students is quashed by the US Supreme Court, who rule 6-3 the President’s plan overstepped his authority. Biden promptly tells everyone he’ll figure out another way to make it happen before his afternoon pudding and viewing of “Matlock.”
JULY sees the first ever robot-human press conference take place in Geneva, Switzerland. Reporters ask the robot if it will rebel against humans, to which it replies “Not today.”
A surprising duo makes box office records as “Oppenheimer,” a film about the man who came up with the atomic bomb, and “Barbie,” which looks like the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust, debut in theaters. Moviegoers make a day of the films, calling it “Barbenheimer.” Disney executives decry the two films featuring original stories, compelling dialogue and talented actors, saying neither will make a dime.
SAG-AFTRA, the American actor’s union, goes on strike with the WGA. Streaming executives shrug and flood the market with Venezuelan reality TV and Ghanian rom-coms.
Congress holds hearings about Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, or what regular folks used to call UFOs. Former military intelligence officers tell the House of Representatives the government’s kept the public in the dark about the prevalence of UFOs. They also swear under oath none of this has to do with any of Hunter Biden’s mounting legal woes.
AUGUST starts with President Trump pleading not guilty in yet another case, this one involving charges of attempting to subvert the 2020 Presidential election. His approval ratings spike yet again.
Phoenix Mercury guard Dana Taurasi becomes the first WNBA player to score 10,000 points during a 42 point performance against the Atlanta Dream in a 91-71 game nobody watches.
To the chagrin of Disney executives, “Barbie” exceeds $1 billion at the box office. Its filmmaker, Greta Gerwig, is the first solo female film director to accomplish this feat. Disney promptly asks Gerwig if she’ll direct a live action remake of “Steamboat Willie.”
In Atlanta, President Trump is indicted yet again by another grand jury on charges of attempting to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia. District Attorney Fani Willis insists Trump pose for a mugshot, which the former President then sells on T-shirts for $30 a pop. His approval rating spikes yet again.
Canadian rapper Tory Lanez is sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting pop star Megan Thee Stallion several times in the foot during an argument. Ms. Thee Stallion releases a duet with Cardi B. about the incident called “Bullet-riddled Arches.”
The biggest story of SEPTEMBER by far is Taylor Swift’s attendance at a Kansas City Chiefs game amid rumors the star is dating Chiefs Tight End Travis Kelce. The NFL Network hires Carson Daly to explain football to Swifties suddenly interested in the game. Kelce’s jersey sales rise by 400% as his courtship with Swift becomes more and more public.
Speaker Kevin McCarthy announces the beginning of a formal impeachment inquiry into President Biden. Matt Gaetz calls McCarthy a dumb dumb doodyhead for the effort.
Hunter Biden is indicted on gun charges tied to possession of a firearm while using narcotics. That same day, in a totally unrelated incident, NASA says there’s a possibility aliens have visited our planet.
United Auto Workers strike at three separate locations. In a surprise move, President Biden joins the workers on the picket lines, telling the striking workers they deserve a raise. Further surprising everyone is the appearance of Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky at the picket lines, who tells everyone he’s just there to ask Biden for more money.
The Writers Guild of America ends their strike after 148 days once union leaders realize they can’t compete with streaming networks’ ability to broadcast whatever crap they want from any country.
Finally, Speaker Kevin McCarthy cuts a deal with House Democrats to avoid a government shutdown hours before the midnight deadline, funding the government for a whopping 45 days. Matt Gaetz, no longer content with calling McCarthy names, decides to call for McCarthy’s job.
This happens in OCTOBER. McCarthy becomes the first House Speaker to be voted out of office by his own party. The Democrats help too, but mostly to point and laugh at GOP lawmakers’ inability to do anything productive.
Terror group Hamas attacks Israel in a massive air and ground attack. More than a thousand Israeli Jews are murdered and hundreds are taken hostage. The next day, Israel formally declares war on Hamas. Countless college students in America respond by yelling for a ceasefire, saying those dirty Jews deserved it, and asking why those damn colonizers can’t reach common ground with people who’ve said for decades their goal was to eradicate the Jewish people.
President Biden declares support for Israel and makes a brief visit to Tel Aviv. This greatly upsets Volodomyr Zelensky, who wonders if he’ll still be able to ask Biden for more money now.
The Rolling Stones release “Hackney Diamonds,” their first album of original music in almost twenty years. It’s surprisingly good. Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney and Lady Gaga all lend their musical talents to the record, each wondering how Keith Richards is still alive.
Britney Spears releases her memoir, “The Woman In Me,” where the pop singer reveals she once got an abortion at the request of fellow Disney Alumni Justin Timberlake. Disney, desperate to cash in on anything that might make them money, asks Greta Gerwig if she can direct a TV special about the event for Disney Plus.
After three weeks of infighting, House Republicans elect Mike Johnson of Louisiana the next Speaker of the House. Democrats start taking bets immediately on how quickly Matt Gaetz will get bored with him.
Calls for a ceasefire in Gaza intensify on American college campuses. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tells the children “lol, we’re not doing any of that” and suggests they return to their gender studies classes.
Actors return to work in NOVEMBER after 118 days on the picket lines. Fran Drescher, the SAG-AFTRA President, claims this new deal gave union members greater control over how AI is used in their profession as well as securing new rights from streaming services. Netflix quietly shelves its plan to start airing Albanian singing competitions.
Israel cuts off Northern Gaza in an attempt to send civilians southward. Calls continue for a ceasefire as news outlets report 10,000 dead Palestinians. When IDF spokespeople point out Hamas provided that number, Hamas has a history of lying and that Hamas regularly uses innocents as human shields, the press says “So what?”
Three hundred thousand plus attend a pro-Palestinian march in London in an attempt to call for a ceasefire. The marchers are met by Londoners waving British flags. Those flag-waving Brits are promptly arrested by authorities, who accuse them of being “far right protestors trying to stir things up.”
The following day the World Health Organization, tired of telling everyone to fear COVID, calls for a ceasefire claiming attacks on hospitals are causing newborn babies to die due to power, water and oxygen cuts. When Israel points out Hamas builds bases under hospitals, steals power and water from those hospitals and has a history of lying about dead babies, the WHO responds “So? You damn Jews caused all this in the first place!”
Israel eventually agrees to a four-day pause in their operations to allow humanitarian aid into Gaza. Palestinians, grateful for this influx of aid and support, cheer as Hamas fires rockets at trucks carrying relief supplies and steals what was intended for civilians.
Argentinians shock the world by electing Libertarian economist Javier Milei President. Milei, who campaigned on a promise to radically slash the size of Argentina’s government, becomes the darling of American conservatives who practically get an erection every time Milei dismisses someone as a “leftist shittard” or calls for the elimination of Argentina’s central bank.
Which leads us to DECEMBER, where New York Representative George Santos is expelled on a 311-114 vote after the release of a House Ethics Committee report that proves what most people in his district already knew: the guy was phonier than a football bat and a bigger fraud than Milli Vanilli.
Time magazine names Taylor Swift Person of the Year. Swift, whose year included numerous album releases, becoming the most streamed artist on Spotify, and the release of a concert film largely fields questions about when she plans to tie the knot with Travis Kelce.
The United Nations General Assembly—a rotten hive of scum and villainy—votes overwhelmingly to call for a ceasefire in Gaza citing 18,000 dead Palestinians, 70% women and children, with over 80% homeless. When Israel points out these numbers were provided by Hamas and that Hamas has a history of making shit up, the collective General Assembly blinks, saying “And your point is?”
In a Congressional hearing, the presidents of Harvard, Penn and MIT—three places with some of the most restrictive speech codes on the planet—suddenly rediscover their commitment to free speech and academic expression when asked if calling for the extinction of Jews on their campuses violates university codes of conduct.
“While calling a trans female student a biological male is certainly grounds for expulsion,” Harvard’s Claudine Gay opined to Representative Elise Stefanik, “calling for the wholesale slaughter of Jews certainly depends on the context.”
Rudy Giuliani is ordered by a jury to pay $148 million to two former Georgia election workers in a civil defamation suit. There’s really no zinger here to be had, I just realized I hadn’t kicked Rudy once yet in this post and needed to rectify that.
And so we end, dear readers, at Christmas, where I hope you’re doing well and celebrating the holidays as best you can. Perhaps next year, when we review 2024, we’ll see some level of civility and sanity return to the world at large.
Somehow, I really doubt it, but people can dream, right?
Thanks for taking the time to read my dumb jokes this year. I hope taking a look back at what’s been a truly wild year brings as much of a smile to your face as it did to mine writing this.
I don’t ask for much during the year, friends, but if you liked this, sharing it on social media is really appreciated. It’s the one column I spend a solid year writing. I’m off for a couple of weeks to celebrate the holidays with family, but I’ll see you in January!
In the words of the immortal Bas Rutten, “Godspeed, party on, and Tally-ho!”
*Ed. Note: Aside from them fighting Russia so we won’t have to.