A veteran goes into a job interview with the USDA.
He sits down with the interviewer. “This is pretty straightforward,” the interviewer says. “I’ll ask you some questions. Your answers will be assigned points. If you get enough points you get the job. Make sense?”
The veteran nods.
“We can start with an obvious one. You’re a veteran, so that’s five points. Do you have any allergies?”
“I’m allergic to coffee,” the veteran replies.
“Okay, that’s another five points. Do you have any disabilities?”
“Yeah, sort of. I lost both of my testicles in an IED explosion in Afghanistan.”
The interviewer checks off another box and says “Okay, that’s fifteen points total. I can definitely offer you the job. It’s from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday but I want you to come in at 10 on Monday.”
“Why ten if it’s from eight to five?” the veteran asks.
“Sir, this is a government job. All we do for the first two hours each day is drink coffee and scratch our balls, and since you can’t do either…”
It’s the close of World War 2 and an American soldier is on a train going from France to England.
He searches for an empty seat on the train—he’s quite tired from all the fighting—but there’s nothing to be had. The closest thing he can spot to an empty seat is one being occupied by a high society lady’s frou-frou dog.
“Ma’am,” the soldier says as he approaches the woman, “I’m on my way home from the war, there’s not another seat on this train, and I’m so very tired. Could you please move your dog so I can sit down?”
The woman scoffs indignantly. “Americans! So rude and presumptuous!”
The solider hears this, decides he wants nothing to do with the woman, so he makes another lap of the train. With no seats becoming available, he finds himself back in front of the high society lady.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you again, but there’s no other seats on this train. I’m extremely tired and just want to sit for a little while. Could you please move your dog?”
Again the woman scoffs indignantly. “It looks like Americans can’t take no for an answer either!”
On hearing this the soldier closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. After uttering a short prayer to God asking forgiveness, he then picks up the dog, throws the yappy little mutt out of the train window, and finally sits down to rest.
The woman screams for someone on the train to defend her honor.
A British gentleman who witnessed everything approaches the soldier. Shaking his head, he says “My dear boy, you Americans seem to have a knack for doing everything the wrong way. You eat food with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now you’ve gone and thrown the wrong bitch off the train!”
I know I said two. Here’s one more I just thought of.
A man orders a latte at Starbucks. He takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
“Ma’am? This coffee tastes like mud,” he complains to the barista.
The barista shrugs her shoulders and says “Well, it was just ground this morning!”
That should get us through the day. If anyone’s got any decent jokes, feel free to share ‘em.
Happy Friday, everyone! Remember, no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you weren’t a nearly eighty year old white guy with a Snidely Whiplash mustache spotted at the New York Stock Exchange in a lavender suit and doo-rag!
We’ll see you next week!