Seaton: Unsolicited Opinions On Football Season

Welcome to September, and more importantly, welcome to football season! Though the temperatures are still in the 80s in Tennessee, we’ve finally got college football in our lives again as of last weekend. By the time you read this, the NFL will have completed its season opener when the Detroit Lions play the Kansas City Chiefs.

Living in East Tennessee for the majority of my life, and Knoxville by extension, usually means “football day” for me is Saturdays when my University of Tennessee Volunteers take the field. I understand not all of you are blessed to have an incredible SEC football team to cheer on, so I thought today would be a great time to give my Unsolicited Opinions on College Football and the NFL for this season.

If you’re new here, first: Welcome! Second, the following are a series of unsolicited opinions offered by a self-professed middle-age-crazy-man on the internet. About football of all things. None of these opinions are probably worth taking seriously at all. Unless, of course, you agree with me.

When one refers to UT orange, they refer to the near neon glow of Vol Orange. If they mean the sensible hue of the University of Texas don’t take anything else that person says seriously.

Joe Milton III is the obvious frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy this year and if you disagree with me you’re a racist.

It’s looking good for the Vols Defense when Coach Heupel debuts something he calls the “cheetah package” in the first game and it’s a bunch of scary big guys who can run stupid fast at offensive players.

No one really wants Georgia to win another National title. Unless it’s Georgia fans. They’re all assholes anyway.

I feel bad for Alabama. They used to be able to say “We win championships and fuck our cousins” and one of those statements isn’t true anymore.

No one knew this until last year but now it’s becoming pretty obvious: LSU is short for U LOSERS. That’s a pretty accurate description for LSU’s football program right now.

Arkansas State head coach Lyle “Butch” Jones is attempting to blame his program’s 73-0 loss to Oklahoma on Tennessee fans. This is what smart people refer to as “projection/“ Grow up Lyle.

Deion Sanders is 56 years old. He’s wearing gaudy mirrored sunglasses and obscenely large gold chains on the field when he coaches Colorado. He’s interesting to watch, but no, I’m not referring to him as “Coach Prime.” That’s juvenile and idiotic. Coach Sanders is much better.

The two best teams in football are the UT Vols and the New England Patriots. I’m bound by marriage to pledge allegiance to one of those teams. You figure out which.

Bryce Young looks like Rudy out there in his full gear compared to the rest of the Carolina Panthers. Hey, he’s short. No disrespect, but that’s something he’s going to have to overcome quickly. You’re playing with big boys now, Bryce.

If you’re a Giants fan, keep your eyes on Jalin Hyatt. When you can, because this man can MOVE. I might watch more Giants games this year because of him.

A small etiquette tip regarding Fantasy Football: No one cares about your fantasy football team where you work. Your family really doesn’t either. Keep that to yourself.

I really hope Josh Dobbs does well starting for Arizona. Dude deserves it after ping-ponging around so many different NFL teams.

Yes, if you haven’t noticed, a lot of the people I’m talking about are former or current Vols. I’m biased. Deal with it.

Speaking of the Vols, there’s some sort of delicious irony in Hendon Hooker getting drafted by the Lions while WILL FUCKING LEVIS, a guy who was Mr. Interceptions at Kentucky, got drafted by the Tennessee Titans. Sometimes NFL brass can’t see the forest for the trees. Seriously, what kind of blackmail material did Levis have on the Titans’ office?

Photos circulated in the offseason of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray wearing what appears to be a man bra and basketball shorts in practice. I understand the “man-bra” is some sort of high-tech heart monitor, but c’mon. The man couldn’t be bothered to ask for something that looked like a tank top? Maybe even just ask to have those funky electrical wires doctors used to hook people up to for stress tests? Kyler, has playing Call of Duty for countless nights on end rotted away your sense of worth that much?

Something tells me this season in the NFL is going to be the definition of “never meet your heroes” for me. The preseason injuries are already making me regret pulling for certain players.

And finally, as a matter of courtesy: please do not bother me at game time on Saturday or Sunday. There are two exceptions. One is death/serious injury. The second is texting me “You seeing this?” Be advised, however, if you go with the latter you’re probably going to get a message from me that reads “What the fuck do you think?”

Enjoy the season, folks, and enjoy the football! Unless you’re not into that sort of thing.

Then go do you. Just don’t come at me with your whole “lol I don’t watch sportsball” shit. That just makes you look like an entitled, stuck up asshole. Let us enjoy what we enjoy.

A bunch of you said that about the “Barbie” movie. Turnabout’s fair play.

Happy Friday, everyone! If you’ve got a team playing on Saturday, I wish them well unless that team is Austin Peay University. When your team takes the field on Sunday, I wish them well too! Have a great weekend, and remember no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you didn’t get into a fistfight in front of a billionaire’s son and get fired from your multi-million dollar job for it!

We’ll see you next week!

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